JUST IN: Evidence Reveals Mike Bloomberg Committing Bioterrorism

While heading to the polls today, the 14 people planning to vote for Michael Bloomberg might want to consider this newly released footage. In the shocking clip, Bloomberg can be seen at a recent campaign stop grabbing a slice of pizza from a box, ripping off a piece, putting it in his mouth, licking his fingers, then putting his hand back in the box, extracting a clump of cheese from another piece, licking each finger methodically like a serial killer, and then placing his hand directly on a large carton of coffee. The mere sight of this grotesque spectacle is enough to give PTSD to even the most mild germaphobe.

We cannot lose sight of the irony here. Bloomberg engaged in this act of biological terrorism less than 24 hours after giving a speech where he cosplayed as the president and talked about what his response to the coronavirus would be if he were in charge (which he isn’t and will never be, thank God). Apparently his way of battling the virus is to sprinkle whatever ancient and mysterious communicable diseases happen to be hanging around in his 78-year-old body all over a pizza like parmesan cheese. Should this video alone disqualify him from consideration in this election or any election thereafter? Certainly. Should it lead to the immediate revocation of his citizenship rights? Again, of course.

Let’s consider some of the particulars here. First of all, before we even get to the part where he smears his rancid slobber all over the room, we have to ask what sort of man serves pizza and coffee together. Coffee is a diuretic and pizza is congealed grease in the form of food. As splendid as both of these items are separately, combining them together in your bowels is a bit like tossing a whole pack of Mentos into a bottle of Coke. Everyone knows that every self-respecting pizza party must feature soda and beer. Beer is a diuretic too, I guess, technically, but still.

Second, people who lick their fingers are, no offense, degenerate freaks. God made napkins for a reason. Nobody wants to see or hear you slurping the food particles off of your own limbs, you animal. And when you consider the cornucopia of bacteria that live under your finger nails, sucking on your fingers is like eating oatmeal out of a urinal. But at least the average finger suckers have the decency to wash their hands before touching anyone or anything. Or that’s what I tell myself, anyway, to stop myself from stabbing them. Bloomberg not only didn’t wash his hands, but seemingly made a point of touching all of the food products in his vicinity, like a feral cat marking his territory.

In fact, just about the only thing that can salvage Bloomberg’s dignity, or what’s left of it, is if he explains that he distributed his drool onto the pizza so that he could have it all to himself. That would be selfish and rude but shrewd, from a strategic perspective. I could respect his game, even if I’m repulsed by it. But I fear that this was not a tactical move on Bloomberg’s part. He had no intention of eating the rest of the pizza and drinking all of the coffee. He was perfectly happy to share his slobber with the whole assembly. In which case, he is a psychopath, a terrorist, and unfit for civilized society.

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